DEALING WITH THE ANGER
“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” ― Aristotle
On this topic I have been thinking to write since long but eventually I decided not to put it off anymore. AGGRESSION is something stemming up in every individual especially if I talk about our younger generation, it is hard to find a person with patience and on the other hand it’s quite easy to make a person angry or see his worse side. You just don’t pay attention to someone or don’t take his calls and he is angry, OR don’t agree to the other person’s request twice or thrice and the changing mood will take the toll. If food is not tasty at home then we will shout or leave it in between, if boss gets angry in office then we will bitch behind his back or leave work undone, just to express our aggression. Leave that, try to give an authentic feedback to a friend or a relative then you see first sign will be bitterness and not kindness, and the more good you want to do the worse it becomes.
Today anger has subsided all our emotions and made our relationships bitter. In other words it has become our second nature, mostly in growing kids I have been seeing them retaliating to their parents or elders. But of course later most people regret for kind of words they had used in their aggression but the damage had been done which can’t be fixed now so it’s better to have a sense of control over our emotions or get ready to face the the irreparable damages. Anger is usually at the forefront of our mind, as they say (गुस्सा तो इसकी नाक पर रखा रहता है), and we shamefully accept it.
But the question is How to deal with Anger, before going directly to the main topic I would speak on why does this anger appear and if it does then why so frequently. It is because of the emotions we feed, or let’s say because of immediate reaction of our ego to a certain situation. For instance, if a father scolds his child on his mistake, whatever the reason, the child instead of understanding thinks more of his insult and retaliates. On the other side if a teacher scolds a child in school, he will first retaliate although later he might understand but first his ego should win. Primarily there are three reasons:
- Lack of acceptance – People don’t understand a problem or they don’t want to listen but just react.
- Immediate reaction – Reacting immediately, badly only to regret later. On becoming defensive, probably due to feeling of insecurity.
- Lack of Self-trust – Most people don’t trust themselves and think that if they don’t reply immediately they will be proved incapable or get insulted.
If we try to understand the situation, without reacting immediately and have faith in ourselves that in the end it will be alright if I don’t revert negatively then there will never be unnecessary regret in life and we don’t have to clean our own mess. Because damage once done can’t be repaired, words once spoken can’t be taken back, or physical violence done in an aggressive emotions can’t be undone, later there are only regrets.
Let me tell you a short story on this, there used to be a small boy who had a bad temper.One day, his father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
Following his father’s instructions first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence! Over the next few weeks as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily, gradually dropped down.
After some time, the boy discovered that it was easier for him to control his anger and hammer those nails into the fence.
Finally, the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper unnecessarily. He told his father about this and the father asked that the boy should now pull out one nail from the fence for each day that he did not get angry. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said “you have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. Things you say in anger leave a wound just like this one.” You can beat a man with a stick or say inappropriate words. Later, It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there, the damage is irreparable. Make sure you control your temper the next time you are tempted to say or do something you will regret later.
“The axe forgets; the tree remembers.” African Proverb
Once you decide then it’s not that hard to overcome our anger you just need to take few precautions and you are through. Here are 4 simple steps if you follow by heart you will surely alleviate all your problems.
- Be a patient listener – Most of the times, when someone speaks, instead of listening we think of replying immediately without much careful thinking. When we are in anger that moment we think of replying faster, which is not really required. It will be all right if we just listen and don’t speak at all, because it’s better to keep quiet than badmouthing someone, only to regret later.
- Be compassionate – Before shouting in anger, just think from other person’s perspective, he might be going through some painful situation that’s why he is reacting like this. Conversely, if we retaliate at the same time it will only make the matter worse. For instance, It is like shouting over a drunken person who had lost his senses, no matter how hard you shout it won’t make much difference. So, think about other person’s state of mind and then reply.
- Be self-possessed – Don’t think it will bring you a bad image, remember person who speaks at the right time without losing his brain is almost right and the one who just speaks without much contemplation sounds STUPID.
- Speak with kindness – When people are angry they shout, cry, yell or even cross their limits and start to harm others physically. In the end, they are the culprits, may be they were right but the way they conveyed their message might not be right. Your voice will be heard and words will be taken very seriously if you have kindness in your voice.
“The best fighter is never angry.” ― Lao Tzu
We don’t need to be proved RIGHT, we need to be more HUMAN.
Try this, you will see other person will feel better and you will be free of the burden of speaking evil or earning a bad name.
While not reacting immediately and being calm is much more impactful way of dealing with situations that are not in our control. Always remember that loss of reputation is the biggest loss in life, it takes hundreds of years to build one and only one angry moment to destroy it all. If one can understand this then life will become more blissful and serene. So, be careful with your words; once spoken they can never be taken back. Some times SILENCE speaks more than WORDS, think over it.